A Cowboy and his Wife’s Bra…

This was sent to me by my friend Mary. I just HAD to share! Enjoy.

I ain't much for shopping,
Or for goin' into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't too easily found.

But the day came when I had to go
I left the kids with Ma.
But 'fore I left, she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"

So without thinkin' I said, "Sure,"
How tough could that job be?
An' I bent down and kissed her
An' said, "I'll be back by three.
"
Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing
I worked me up a sweat

I walked into the ladies' shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,
I didn't want to take a
On bein' recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk
I didn't hem or haw
I told that lady right straight out,
"I'm here to buy a bra."

From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
Every woman in that store
Was a'gawkin' right at me!

"What kind would you be looking for?"
Well, I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before,
"Thought bras was bras," I said.

She gave me a disgusted look,
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Follow me," I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie.

They had all these different styles
That I'd never seen before
I thought I'd go plumb crazy
'fore I left that women's store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.

They had bras that made you feel
Like you ain't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.

Well, I finally made my mind up
Picked a black and lacy one
I told the lady, "Bag it up,"
And figured I was done.

But then she asked me for the size
I didn't hesitate
I knew that measurement by heart,
"A six-and-seven-eighths."

"Six and seven eighths you say?
That really isn't right."
"Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive
I measured them last night!"

I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.

"That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."

My wife had heard the story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For women's underwear.

~ Author Unknown

The Indy Monster

“Mom, come quick” Nick yelled the other day.
“Arghhhhh.”
I was in the middle of doing my hair which is as rare as a Peace Treaty in the Middle East.

“What do you need?” I screamed back. (You’d think we live in a Palace.)

“I think I see a Monster in the pond! One like Nelly, come quick!”

By now the curling iron was so entangled in my hair, I had to unplug it and take it with me down the hall at a pace this body has not hit since I used to ding-dong-digit.

“Here I am, show me” I said, feigning enthusiasm (and gasping for air).

“You missed it. It had a big long tail on it with no hair.”

“Must have been a beaver” I suggested.

“Nope, it was way bigger than a beaver” Nick insisted.

And the thing is, he said it with such authority… that now when I’m home alone dinking around the house, I can’t help but keep one eye on that pond.

After all… I hear Nelly’s still on the loose!

Lunesta

You’re a butterfly
And butterflies are free to fly
Fly away, high away, bye bye
(Someone Saved My Life Tonight, Sir Elton John)

Well no one saved my lousy life last night,
I’ll tell ya that!

The good Doc took me off my Ambien.
“It’s a narcotic, you know.”
Narcotics bad.

He prescribed the “Butterfly” medicine.
You know the one.
The pretty little green bug flying into people’s bedroom windows and finding them sound asleep.
The ad wants us to believe it’s because of Lunesta, the other purple pill.

Well I pulled an all-nighter on Lunesta last night.
I can remember when an all-nighter was a good thing!
Last night…not so good.

I want my Ambien back
And that little green butterfly can kiss the very white of my ass!

Happy Flu Year!

Mike, Jordan and I all have the flu.
Nick is sure to follow.

To any of you who we had the pleasure to see last week…
We apologize ahead of time if you come down with this curse!

We hope you have a Happy New Year,
Not a Lousy Flu Year!

Mama’s Girl

I’m a Mama’s Girl,
There’s just no denying it.
I have her genetic makeup,
The good along with the bad.

When I was little…
I wouldn’t let go of her.
She had a perpetual clump in whatever she was wearing that day.
It was caused by me tightly wadding her clothes up in my fist and not letting go!
She was my security.

As we grow up,
It’s our Mom who is there for most of our “firsts”.
First day of school.
First bra.
First prom dress.
First broken heart.
First Wedding Dress… (I designed my second one on my own!)
First baby.

And then life gets busy.
And the “firsts” with Mom tend to end.
There are new firsts now,
Ones with our own children.

Or so it seemed…
Yesterday in Target, Mom and I had another “first”.
At (a mere) 44 years old,
She helped me pick out my “first” pair of reading glasses!

We giggled like school girls as we tried on the crazy styles.
Moaned in pain as we chose some way too strong.
In the end, we went with a practical (1.75x) cute little green pair.

And as we searched the parking lot for our (misplaced) car…
I wondered how many more “firsts” lie ahead for Mom and me.
Many I assume…
Most will be joyous,
Some may not be so great.

But it’s comforting to know,
We’ll still have them and we’ll tackle them together.
And my money’s on a whole lot more giggles than moans!

I love you Mama.