The Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night, he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes!
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this mister!
I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

Ba-da-bing!
(Thanks Bob)

Comic Relief

Because if I don’t find something to laugh about,
My head is going to explode.

So here are some old jokes that still make me chuckle…

...I was at a bar one night, it was full of a rowdy bachelorette party. The bride was so drunk her veil was hanging in her margarita. It was disgusting. I finally said, “Ma’am, as many times as I’ve been married, I’ve never gone out and gotten drunk the night before the wedding. I always thought about the baby first.”


...I don’t even have a savings account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name, and apparently that’s the key to the whole thing.


...I was a New York State employee and after nine years of dedicated service they fired me for no reason. One day they just marched into my office, woke me up, and told me to go home.


...An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. The lad asked, "What is this, father?" The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls. The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out. The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

And finally…

...A woman goes to an ice cream parlor and asks for a chocolate ice cream cone. The clerk apologizes and says that they are out of chocolate and asks her if she'd like to choose a different flavor. The customer says, "Sure, just give me chocolate, please." The clerk again apologizes, and thinking that the woman didn't hear him, says, "I'm sorry, we don't have any chocolate left. Is there another flavor that I can get for you?" The woman says, "Well I guess I'll have chocolate." The clerk, extremely pissed now, tells the woman, "Spell VAN as in vanilla." The woman spells out, "V-A-N." "Now," says the clerk, "spell STRAW as in strawberry." The woman spells out, "S-T-R-A-W." "Okay," says the clerk, "Now spell FUCK as in Chocolate." The woman looks dumbfounded for a moment and proclaims, "Wait - there's no 'FUCK' in 'chocolate!'" And the Clerk replies, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

And that folks is why I only do two shows a night.

A Cowboy and his Wife’s Bra…

This was sent to me by my friend Mary. I just HAD to share! Enjoy.

I ain't much for shopping,
Or for goin' into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't too easily found.

But the day came when I had to go
I left the kids with Ma.
But 'fore I left, she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"

So without thinkin' I said, "Sure,"
How tough could that job be?
An' I bent down and kissed her
An' said, "I'll be back by three.
"
Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing
I worked me up a sweat

I walked into the ladies' shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,
I didn't want to take a
On bein' recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk
I didn't hem or haw
I told that lady right straight out,
"I'm here to buy a bra."

From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
Every woman in that store
Was a'gawkin' right at me!

"What kind would you be looking for?"
Well, I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before,
"Thought bras was bras," I said.

She gave me a disgusted look,
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Follow me," I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie.

They had all these different styles
That I'd never seen before
I thought I'd go plumb crazy
'fore I left that women's store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.

They had bras that made you feel
Like you ain't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.

Well, I finally made my mind up
Picked a black and lacy one
I told the lady, "Bag it up,"
And figured I was done.

But then she asked me for the size
I didn't hesitate
I knew that measurement by heart,
"A six-and-seven-eighths."

"Six and seven eighths you say?
That really isn't right."
"Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive
I measured them last night!"

I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.

"That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."

My wife had heard the story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For women's underwear.

~ Author Unknown