When the going gets tough…

The tough get a massage and a facial!

Damn…
Is there a medical limit as to how many of those you should have?
Is daily too often?
Rub me, scrub me…talk dirty to me,
Hell I don’t care.
Just DON’T STOP!

And as an added bonus…
My headache went away.
Temporarily.
Maybe I should go back tomorrow!

A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do!

If I Only had a Brain

I could wile away the hours
Conferrin' with the flowers
Consultin' with the rain
And my head I'd be scratchin'
While my thoughts were busy hatchin'
If I only had a brain
(Scarecrow, Wizard of Oz)

I have an MRI scheduled this week.
Dr. Doom is concerned about my headaches.
He’s a bit of an alarmist.

I on the other hand,
Am simply looking forward to proving that
There is indeed a brain inside my head.

After more than three years outside the work force,
Most of that time in the company of children…
One has to wonder!

“Tropical Storm Chris Runs Out of Steam”

SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico - Tropical Storm Chris rapidly ran out of steam Thursday morning as it pushed across the eastern Caribbean, prompting forecasters to say it was unlikely to become a hurricane.
By LAURA CANDELAS, Associated Press Writer

Ya think???

Typical weather forecasters.

If they just would have called me first.
I would have told them…
I ran out of steam weeks ago!

It’s August in Kansas…

That means one thing.
It’s time for the County Fair.
Yee-Haw!

The Johnson County fair kicks off Sunday with a Rabbit Show.
Unfortunately our beloved “Bun-bun” kicked the bucket last year in Texas.
(The kids are still blaming me for this)
Hence, no rabbit show for us this year!

Monday is a dog obedience show.
Tucker (rhymes with…) will also be a no show!

Thursday evening is Barrel Racing, Jordie’s favorite,
Followed by the Bull Blast.

And Saturday night…the crescendo, drum roll please…
The Demolition Derby!
Hot damn.

All the while there is a carnival going on.
The Carnies set these monstrosities up in 3 hours tops.
Safety is not their top priority.
These rides shake you, flip you, drop you and smash you.
But we adults just dole out the tickets to our little darlings and tell them to “run off and have a good time now!”

You’ll only find the finest cuisine at these fairs.
Funnel cakes and corn fritters.
Dippin dots and smoked turkey legs.
Chances are if it’s fried…it’s here.

People watching is by far the best at these fairs.
I remember one year, a family was walking toward me and all four of them were decked out in biker gear.
The man was bald and he waxed his head for that "Mr. Clean" look.
As he passed me by, I just had to turn around to get the view from the back.
To my amazement he had a tattoo on the back of his perfectly polished head, dead center.
It was an eyeball.
Way creepy!

But the Country Music stage is my favorite place to hang out.
They often have singers on that stage who are just longing for one more shot at the big-time.
Often too, they are stuck in time.
You can always tell what decade they “almost made it in” by the outfits they wear, the style of their hair and the songs they sing.
Many of them were obviously disappointed in the 80’s.

And speaking of songs…
This is as good a time as any to once again profess my top 5 favorite country song titles of all time:

#5. Get your tongue outta my mouth cuz I’m kissin you goodbye.

#4. Got in at 2 with a 10, and woke up at 10 with a 2.

#3. I’m so miserable without you, it’s like having you here.

#2. If I’d a shot you when I wanted to, I’d be out by now.

And my all time favorite at #1…

You left teethe marks in my heart. (That one’s for you Jeanie!)


See y’all at the fair!

Comic Relief

Because if I don’t find something to laugh about,
My head is going to explode.

So here are some old jokes that still make me chuckle…

...I was at a bar one night, it was full of a rowdy bachelorette party. The bride was so drunk her veil was hanging in her margarita. It was disgusting. I finally said, “Ma’am, as many times as I’ve been married, I’ve never gone out and gotten drunk the night before the wedding. I always thought about the baby first.”


...I don’t even have a savings account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name, and apparently that’s the key to the whole thing.


...I was a New York State employee and after nine years of dedicated service they fired me for no reason. One day they just marched into my office, woke me up, and told me to go home.


...An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. The lad asked, "What is this, father?" The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls. The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out. The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

And finally…

...A woman goes to an ice cream parlor and asks for a chocolate ice cream cone. The clerk apologizes and says that they are out of chocolate and asks her if she'd like to choose a different flavor. The customer says, "Sure, just give me chocolate, please." The clerk again apologizes, and thinking that the woman didn't hear him, says, "I'm sorry, we don't have any chocolate left. Is there another flavor that I can get for you?" The woman says, "Well I guess I'll have chocolate." The clerk, extremely pissed now, tells the woman, "Spell VAN as in vanilla." The woman spells out, "V-A-N." "Now," says the clerk, "spell STRAW as in strawberry." The woman spells out, "S-T-R-A-W." "Okay," says the clerk, "Now spell FUCK as in Chocolate." The woman looks dumbfounded for a moment and proclaims, "Wait - there's no 'FUCK' in 'chocolate!'" And the Clerk replies, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

And that folks is why I only do two shows a night.