Comic Relief

Because if I don’t find something to laugh about,
My head is going to explode.

So here are some old jokes that still make me chuckle…

...I was at a bar one night, it was full of a rowdy bachelorette party. The bride was so drunk her veil was hanging in her margarita. It was disgusting. I finally said, “Ma’am, as many times as I’ve been married, I’ve never gone out and gotten drunk the night before the wedding. I always thought about the baby first.”


...I don’t even have a savings account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name, and apparently that’s the key to the whole thing.


...I was a New York State employee and after nine years of dedicated service they fired me for no reason. One day they just marched into my office, woke me up, and told me to go home.


...An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. The lad asked, "What is this, father?" The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls. The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out. The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

And finally…

...A woman goes to an ice cream parlor and asks for a chocolate ice cream cone. The clerk apologizes and says that they are out of chocolate and asks her if she'd like to choose a different flavor. The customer says, "Sure, just give me chocolate, please." The clerk again apologizes, and thinking that the woman didn't hear him, says, "I'm sorry, we don't have any chocolate left. Is there another flavor that I can get for you?" The woman says, "Well I guess I'll have chocolate." The clerk, extremely pissed now, tells the woman, "Spell VAN as in vanilla." The woman spells out, "V-A-N." "Now," says the clerk, "spell STRAW as in strawberry." The woman spells out, "S-T-R-A-W." "Okay," says the clerk, "Now spell FUCK as in Chocolate." The woman looks dumbfounded for a moment and proclaims, "Wait - there's no 'FUCK' in 'chocolate!'" And the Clerk replies, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

And that folks is why I only do two shows a night.