Who Died???

I can’t imagine the last time I had on a pair of pantyhose.
I’m at that “in-between age” where I don’t go to many weddings; my friends and I are too old (or smart) to get married (again) and our kids too young…
So it only stands to reason that the last time I maneuvered into a pair of these bad boys, it had to be a funeral. That all changed today, but that’s a story in itself.

Putting on pantyhose could be considered the next Olympic sport. Much like those weight lifters we watch with amazement as they will their bodies to lift 350 lbs, I too take a few minutes to psyche myself out for the task at hand.

A background in Yoga proves most helpful when slipping into…ok, ok…pouring into a pair of pantyhose. Yoga promotes the control of body and mind. I however depend on Control Top to control my body. My mind… I still have no control over.

After a short halftime break, I engineer the “panty” part of the hose over my ass…which has by the way, grown exponentially since the start of the journey. Much like a pressure cooker, as I maneuver them upward, my fat is displaced, always remaining just above the hose themselves until finally, it’s show time. “Up and Over” I call it.

This is when I’m reminded of the great tennis player Monica Seles. You recall she was the “grunter”. At the moment the tennis ball impacted her racquet, she would let out this man-like grunt…very husky and determined. It was her way of willing the ball over the net. I grunt at the moment of “Up and Over”…then I prance around my bedroom much like a professional football player celebrating in the end zone.

So no, I didn’t snicker at some young lovebirds today, entering in to the “Institution” of marriage, nor did I mourn the passing of a friend. But when I lay my head down on my pillow tonight, I will do so knowing that I can achieve even the seemingly impossible by shear (ultra shear is my preference!) “will, control and determination”. SCORE!!!

By the way, it’s official…I am a Queen.
My pantyhose say so!