Yi Jia

That's what the Chinese call IKEA.

I'd never been to an IKEA before.  I tried once when we lived in Houston. 

Mike would rather have had his balls waxed than go,  but I hounded and hounded him because it was, after all, the Grand Opening weekend! We drove around for what seemed like an hour but, in reality, was probably only fifteen minutes looking for a parking spot. Frustrated... Mike started to drive away, which as you can imagine put me in a mood, a huge fight ensued, we drove home in silence, and pretty much stayed that way for the rest of the weekend.

When the news came, a few years back, that they were building the first IKEA in Kansas City... everyone in town seemed to be in a flutter over it. Not me and Mikey. Nope... not a word was spoken.

I thought I knew what an IKEA represents. Furniture for young people who don't know any better than to buy small boxes filled with heavy boards and not enough screws in the box to put the crap together properly. I know there's a market for that stuff but I ain't it. I have a "no putting it together" rule... it's probably, at least partly, responsible for Mikey and I turning the bend on 25 years of wedded bliss.

But here in China, the very things IKEA sells... household goods... are very expensive. And not always easy to find. So I gave in and hit the Subway, this morning, for the 50 minute journey. Sans Mikey.

Shelby came with me instead and as soon as we stepped into the monstrosity of a store we realized we'd both not eaten anything yet today. Having heard horror stories on getting stuck in the "IKEA Que", we both thought we'd better grab a bite before one of us got cranky.

This was the line for the cafe; they were an orderly bunch.

And yes... I know it's cliche... but I got the Swedish meatballs! I hope they don't taste this way everywhere because I was highly disappointed. They weren't inedible... but I wouldn't be hanging my brand on these puppies. Pun intended.

But they did serve French wine... which I indulged in. And the total for both Shelby's and my meal was 72 RMB, which is under 11 bucks. So there's that.

But then shit got weird. Real weird.

At first we were annoyed because Shelby really wanted to see that chair he was snoozing in. But he had his earbuds in and we could not raise the dead.

I wanted a better look at this couch but there was an entire family lounging on it.

Was something in the fucking meatballs? Get UP people... you don't live here!!!

And this gal on the left... she WORKS there!!!

And then there was this. A rumpled mess of a showroom in the bedding department.  Or was it?  I needed to go around to the other side for a closer look.

Holy shitballs... are you KIDDING me?!?  This chick is fast asleep IN an IKEA showroom bed! At least she had the common decency to take her friggin slippers off!!!

I. Was. Done.

I wouldn't sit on anything, I didn't want anything... I. Was. Done.

Ironically, there was a young woman beggar on our subway ride home. She went from person to person to person... no one gave her a Chinese cent.

She didn't actually make it as far as Shelby and me. I probably would have given her a few RMB but  someone had chased her off at the next stop.

Too bad. If she'd been at the IKEA subway stop she could have at least gotten a good day's rest!

I have some solid advice for the rest of us too. Never, ever, ever... buy the floor model of anything at an IKEA. 

I thought I knew what IKEA represented but I was mistaken. Here in Beijing, at least, it's a place for rest and relaxation. 

Damn squatters!