Am I really here? Do I exist? You can actually see me, right?
Because I’m starting to think otherwise…
Yesterday, I had to go down to the DMV to tag our three cars. For most folks, this is done either online or through the mail these days. But since I have a 'KU Med Pink Ribbon' plate on two of our cars, we have to go down in person, which only proves to strengthen my Mom’s theory that “no good deed goes unpunished”!
Nissan Maxima, check. Toyota Landcruiser, check. GMC Yukon Xl… Ru-roh. “Maggie” got a funny look on her face, “this car hasn’t been registered since 2009, according to our records.” Good thing I had brought along the yellow packet from the glove box that has every single registration receipt in it since 2002 when we bought the damn thing! Suffice it to say there was a “glitch” and after a couple of phone calls to the 'State', Maggie put my car and me back in the system.
Then this morning, I look outside and all my neighbor’s recycling bins have been emptied, but not mine. Ring-ring-ring… “Hello Deffenbaugh? You guys missed picking up my recycling this morning, can you send the truck back around?” After giving her enough information to award me ‘National Security Clearance’, she informed me my account was closed in 2008! “But you guys have been picking up the Deffenbaugh bin YOU gave me every week for as long as I can remember Karen.” (I do love getting on a first name basis with people I don’t know!) “Hmmm… there must be a glitch in the system” she replies. Again… after 15 minutes of which I will never get back, I’m back in existence!
We all have days we wish we could disappear. Hit the bricks. Go away for a while.
But it’s March Madness. Spring is finally here. I have a big birthday coming up next weekend not to mention another National Basketball Championship to revel in; I’d really like to be here for all of that.
So if you see me around in the next few days, don’t just passively raise your hand up and say “hi”. Pinch me…
I need to know I’m not just a glitch!
Friday, March 25, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
My Gentle, Gentle Friend Jilly...
I’m pacing today, getting a big fat nuthin accomplished. Here I am an able-bodied person, yet I’m crippled by angst. My friend Jill is receiving her first round of chemotherapy as I type these empty words. She will get an 8-hour drip of Taxol today, a 30-minute drip of Topotecan tomorrow followed by a 30-minute drip of Avastin on Friday. For those of you “in the know” about these things… and there are far too many of us out there… this is a serious chemo-cocktail.
Jill was diagnosed with Stage 1b cervical cancer almost 4 years ago. They did surgery to remove it and no further treatment was required, as early detection of cervical cancer is highly curable. She had her 3-month scans, then her 6-month scans and last month was the first of her yearly scans. Jill was just one year shy of that 5-year mark any of us who have been cursed with cancer live for… that’s the “all clear you can get on with your life now” sign. (In two short weeks, I reach my 10 year “all clear” sign… I am a lucky, lucky girl, yet not without guilt.) With Jill’s first cancer, the same one I had only mine was a slightly lesser stage, they gave her an 85% survival rate 5 years out. Mine was 90%... really? One stinkin year is all she had to go.
But that was then, this is now…
Jill's mom Judy, our friend Mary and I, took Jill wig shopping yesterday. Jill has always worn her hair long and last weekend she cut 12 inches off, sent them to “Locks of Love” and is now sporting a darling bob. That’s my opinion of course; Jill hates it. We tried several on yesterday, short shaggy styles… Mary’s favorite, mid-length layered styles, probably my fav only because they most look like the Jill we know and love. I’m not sure this is the time for a complete makeover when you are wishing with all your might that things could just return to normal. For funzies… and at the request of her brother Craig, Jill tried on a flame red number. “Sexy” was the response from big Bro! We managed a few giggles, but there were many more tears than we had hoped for. And believe me when I say… they weren’t all Jill’s.
As most of you know, this ain’t my first Rodeo. I lost my dear friend Dini to pancreatic cancer 4 years ago and then my sister TC to breast cancer 3 years ago this past November. I know all too well the journey we are embarking on.
But know this too…
Stage IV Metastatic Disease: Fuck you; we’re not runnin. We are bringin out the big guns and you had better have your ass ready to retreat. You are not welcome here… get lost, scat, be gone… all the way gone this time!
Big tough-bad-ass words? Yep, they’re all I have right now as my friend Jill, sits in a chair, with her Mom by her side… drip, drip, drip, drip, drip…
Jill is the gentlest soul I know in this entire world. Please do whatever it is you do best when someone needs your help. Prayers, good Juju, pins in a Voo-doo doll, a stiff drink with a heartfelt toast. Send them all my good friends way; they all matter… this I know.
Jill was diagnosed with Stage 1b cervical cancer almost 4 years ago. They did surgery to remove it and no further treatment was required, as early detection of cervical cancer is highly curable. She had her 3-month scans, then her 6-month scans and last month was the first of her yearly scans. Jill was just one year shy of that 5-year mark any of us who have been cursed with cancer live for… that’s the “all clear you can get on with your life now” sign. (In two short weeks, I reach my 10 year “all clear” sign… I am a lucky, lucky girl, yet not without guilt.) With Jill’s first cancer, the same one I had only mine was a slightly lesser stage, they gave her an 85% survival rate 5 years out. Mine was 90%... really? One stinkin year is all she had to go.
But that was then, this is now…
Jill's mom Judy, our friend Mary and I, took Jill wig shopping yesterday. Jill has always worn her hair long and last weekend she cut 12 inches off, sent them to “Locks of Love” and is now sporting a darling bob. That’s my opinion of course; Jill hates it. We tried several on yesterday, short shaggy styles… Mary’s favorite, mid-length layered styles, probably my fav only because they most look like the Jill we know and love. I’m not sure this is the time for a complete makeover when you are wishing with all your might that things could just return to normal. For funzies… and at the request of her brother Craig, Jill tried on a flame red number. “Sexy” was the response from big Bro! We managed a few giggles, but there were many more tears than we had hoped for. And believe me when I say… they weren’t all Jill’s.
As most of you know, this ain’t my first Rodeo. I lost my dear friend Dini to pancreatic cancer 4 years ago and then my sister TC to breast cancer 3 years ago this past November. I know all too well the journey we are embarking on.
But know this too…
Stage IV Metastatic Disease: Fuck you; we’re not runnin. We are bringin out the big guns and you had better have your ass ready to retreat. You are not welcome here… get lost, scat, be gone… all the way gone this time!
Big tough-bad-ass words? Yep, they’re all I have right now as my friend Jill, sits in a chair, with her Mom by her side… drip, drip, drip, drip, drip…
Jill is the gentlest soul I know in this entire world. Please do whatever it is you do best when someone needs your help. Prayers, good Juju, pins in a Voo-doo doll, a stiff drink with a heartfelt toast. Send them all my good friends way; they all matter… this I know.
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