# 22

Nick has a football game this afternoon. It’s actually the third one of the season, but he missed the first game because of the flu, Mike and I missed his second game because of” life”, but today we’ll all be there, including Jordie.

Raising our kids, I’ve always (right or wrong) subscribed to the “Parenting by Fear” model. When the kids were younger, it was great. They feared us… at least we like to think they did. At the very least they understood cause and effect!

I grew up fearing my folks, and most of my friends feared theirs as well. I would march right up to that line drawn in the sand, literally teetering over it at times, but on rare occasion did I out and out cross it. The risk had to be worth the short-term reward for me to do so. Or maybe that’s just the convenient memory I have since my own kids are now at the teetering stage of their young lives and I want them to make the right choices.

What I failed to realize until recently however, is how the definition of “Parenting by Fear” so quickly changes.

I’m a freak about them driving, a nut-case over a bad grade, distrusting of most friends. I’m a walking infomercial invading their ears with safety tips and an encyclopedia chock full of horrific stories regarding young people’s bad choices. “Good kids make bad choices too” loops over and over in these poor kids’ psyches’!

Parenting by Fear… great model… I am now the fearful one.

I dread this afternoon. Nick is new to the game of football. These kids are big; thank God he’s among the larger ones on the field. “Teach him to hit correctly Coach” I implored at the parents meeting last month. “He’s a pleaser Coach, don’t let him get hurt trying to please you and the team”. “Tell him how you never, ever hit with your head Coach”. By the time I was done with the guy he wanted to hit me over the head.

Last week didn’t help when Nicky came barging in the door after the game all a twitter to tell me that another kid on his team was taken away in an ambulance. Apparently he took a cheap shot to the back and the coaching staff did the right thing by not taking any chances with his health. He was checked out at the local hospital and back at school the next day.

When Nick left for school today I was taken aback at how handsome and grown-up he looked in his game day jersey. I told him Daddy and I would be at his game and Sissy would meet us there too.

“I’m # 22 Mom, I’ll look for you guys and wave” was his reply. That’s him in a nutshell; carefree and happy, no outward sign of fear.

So this is me now…
Breathing deep, facing the fear and letting go.

Not just for today’s game, but for both Jordie and Nick’s young adult journey. I won’t be fearless, but I’m going to try very hard to no longer be paralyzed by that fear.

Wish me luck!