“I Moved It”

Let me first go on record and say, “I am half-assed”.
My mother used to call me the “half-assed kid”.
If there is an easy way to do it, believe me, I find it.
So it comes as no surprise that at least one of our kids takes after me.

This fact is the very bain of Mike’s existence.
“Mr. Focus, finish, follow-through” is exasperated by us half-ass types.
We really piss him off.
He has long ago given up on me, (As Popeye wisely says, “I am what I am”) but he continues to hold out hope for Nicholas to change his lazy-ass ways.

False hope is my guess.

Yesterday, Mike came home and immediately noticed something that I too had seen a few hours earlier.
Because of my half-assed nature, I simply thought to myself, “Hmmm, that’s gonna piss Mikey off” and went on about my day.

Tucker, (rhymes with) apparently shares the same half-assedness gene that Nick and I have been blessed with.
He has recently stopped “doing his business” in the yard.
Perhaps the grass tickles his feet, I don’t pretend to know, but whatever the reason, the dog is now taking a King sized crap right on the patio!

Stop for a moment and just try to imagine Mike’s reaction to this little ditty, (doodie?).
The whole house shook as he yelled, “NICHOLAS… “Get a plastic bag and get that crap off my patio, NOW.”
The kid’s take turns each week with dog duty/(doodie) and this week is Nicks.
Something tells me next week will be his too now.

A few minutes later, we see Nick putting “the plastic bag” into our kitchen trash can.
In Mikey’s big boy voice, I hear not just “No”, but “Hell No! What are you thinking, putting a bag of dog crap in the trash INSIDE the house?”
Looking at Mike like he’s got two heads, Nicholas says “it’s just an empty bag”, (as in “Chill dude”).
“Why is it empty Nick, where is the dog crap?” (A logical question by Mike I’m thinking at the time.)
“I moved it”.

Oh boy.
This is gonna get ugly.

“Moved it?”
“Moved it where?”

Being half-assed myself, I knew where this was going.
At this point, I’m willing Nick with all I’ve got NOT to say what I think he’s getting ready to say.
Even I, the Queen of half-ass, could never reach this level of half-assedness.

“I moved it onto the grass” said the boy formerly known as Mike’s son.

Stunned silence followed.
Albeit momentarily.

The rest of the story is somewhat of a blur.
Suffice it to say, “The shit hit the fan”.
The backyard is so clean right now you could eat off of it.

I just feel sorry for the trash men tomorrow…
They’ll be pulling “double doodie”!!!

As for Nicky…he is what he is!