Independence Day

Today was a toughie.
I knew going into it what I was facing and I had done my best to prepare.
Today was the day that TC was going to tell her doctors that she’s had enough.
No more invasive treatments, no more chemo, no more potassium drips…
No more heroics.

I can’t begin to describe the emotional conflict that was in the room.
A kind and compassionate doctor, who is in the business of saving lives, and an exhausted and frail patient, who has been nothing short of a warrior, respectfully pleading their cases to one another.
He, the healer, wants to try one more chemo-cocktail.
She, the dying, is ready to let go.

For me, it was two hours of unbearable pain.
We all tried so hard to keep it together, to be strong for each other.
But then all of a sudden, there comes a sound.
A sound from the deepest depths of your gut.
It’s like a silent wail is breaking loose.
It gives no warning, it just comes out.
And it scares you.
Because at that moment, you know…you know you are not so strong.
And you wonder.
You wonder how the hell you are going to make it through what lies ahead.
How are you going to guide your children, who love her so much, through?

And the answer came, in the most unexpected place.

Jordan and I had gone out to dinner.
I needed a “pick me up”.
She lifted my spirits, especially when I told her a joke, inadvertently timing the punch line precisely with her next slug of Mr. Pibb.
The soda squirted out of her nose, sending both of us into a fit of giggles and requesting the check.

On our drive home, on a nondescript street, in the middle of the week, directly in front of our car…Fireworks exploded in the sky above us.
Big, professional, 4th of July worthy fireworks!

I pulled the car over and hit the lights.
Jordie and I sat there for fifteen minutes or better and watched the show.
Just then, my cell phone rang.
It was TC.
She was calling, “to check on me”.

All of a sudden…I got it.
TC took back control of her life today.
She’s now calling the shots.
And it is she who will lead us, on the rest of this journey.

I don’t know the real reason for the fireworks display.
But in my mind, it signified one thing.
A new day for TC...
Independence Day.